How to Bring the Sex Back to Your Sex Life

How to Bring the Sex Back to Your Sex Life

"I just do it to get him off."
"It feels like a chore."
"I have no drive."
"She's too busy."

These are just some of the many things people tell me about their current sex life... or lack thereof. They have been in relationships or married for a few years and lack the drive and desire for sex that they once knew. Kids, work stress, deadlines, laundry, and chores are just a few of the things that they deem more important than sex with their partners. For many of these people, their marriages work out fine, but they feel unfulfilled in the bedroom and are afraid to say anything. For others, they say something but don't know what to do about it. A sexless relationship will at best feel unfulfilling to most people.

Here's what to do about it:

  • Talk. Many couples remain silent about their dissatisfaction in the bedroom. They're afraid to address it because they fear they might hurt the other person or it might lead to a break up or divorce. Change the way you think about the issue and see talking as the first step toward improvement rather than as nagging or complaining.
  • Be positive. When addressing the issue with your partner, keep it positive. For example, you might say, "I was thinking about how good it feels when you pamper me with hot oil" rather than saying, "You never massage me anymore." Stating things in a positive way will bring your partner (at least mentally) to that time or activity that was so hot and exciting for you, providing positive reinforcement to him or her and increasing the likelihood of the behavior or activity happening again.
  • Reevaluate your lifestyle. So often, sex gets pushed way down on peoples' list of priorities. For many people, running errands, cleaning toilets, emptying garbage, and buying groceries are actually given more importance than having sex with their partner. Take a good hard look at how your prioritize sex. If it is low on the list, then move it up a few notches and make time for it. Plan it if you need to, but, by all means, do it.
  • Wear many hats. Many people have a hard time being both parents and lovers. They have troubling seeing their significant other as the father or mother of their child and as a sexual person. Know that your lover wears many hats. She might be mother to your child, executive in the boardroom, and a wild passionate lover in the bedroom. Accept this notion and be comfortable seeing him or her as the person who once drove you wild and who can do it again.
  • Make small changes. Think about things that you can do to feel better about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more likely you'll want to share it with others and the sexier he or she will see you. Have you perhaps let your appearances slide over the years? Have you let yourself get out of shape over the past few years? Hitting the gym will restore a sense of confidence in yourself that can be quite appealing to your significant other. Further, exercise will make you feel stronger and tighter and boost endorphins that could kick start an otherwise stagnant sex drive. Caring more about how you dress, look, and smell can also have a big impact on how your partner reacts to you in the bedroom. Spend some time on making some changes in this department.
  • Mix it up and be adventurous. Over time couples often feel their sex life is boring, unimaginative, and simply predictable. Try mixing it up with positions you've maybe always wanted to try, but were too shy. Explore locations outside the bedroom. Perhaps the kitchen, living room, or outdoor deck are options.
  • Be partners. Remember, if you're feeling disconnected or unfulfilled, then chances are your partner is, too. Keep this in mind: You and your significant other are a team. Collaborate with him or her and find a way to trouble shoot together and bring the sex back to your sex life.

So next time you think your love life is boring, rather than accepting the status quo, take responsibility and ask yourself, "What can I do to make it better?"

Psychotherapist, Author

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